An Absolute Vulnerability Experience

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Author: B. Todish

In my family growing up was a guilt trip! If I was hungry my Mom would tell me in no uncertain terms, that my hunger was nothing compared to the millions of starving babies and adults all around the world. That sure shut me up! Sometimes, when my Mom threatened to "give me away to the gypsies," I wondered if I would at least get more to eat with them. If I had been raised by gypsies, I probably would have been an EXCELLENT, almost Olympic grade tambourine player! I recall my Mom saying when we only had soup for dinner and no dessert: "I will give you wind pudding"! My Mom had a "way" with words, I was almost able to "taste" her visualizations!

So I grew up, but in name only. You see, Mom loved babies, she had three (and a quarter-a miscarriage), but she wanted us kids, myself and an older, and a younger brother, to remain baby-like. While we all HAD to physically grow up, she made sure we mentally remained naive, innocent idealists. We were all made to believe in absolutes. We had zero right to complain about anything, because others had it ever so much more harder than we did! Naturally I was fearful about even speaking! So I became so shy I was almost autistic! I had night terrors and was constantly tired as a youngster.

It was little wonder that we all left home at 17 years of age. My world was such a scary place, because I had to be grateful for just breathing air! I hyper-ventilated throughout my life while my Mom was alive, and when my mother died in 2000, I began to exhale long enough to begin to relax. But then the "ghost" of my Mom was still in me! She was so disciplined, so strong, she "lived" in me until now.

I am finally learning that I have a right, and what is more, a duty to BE myself, instead of fulfilling her dreams of changing, improving, making the world a UTOPIAN instead of just a better place! I am catching up on my sleep. In an almost induced, chosen. self-willed "coma-like" state, I sleep sometimes 20 hours a day to recuperate. I need the rest to recover from the absolute, as opposed to the relative terror, that most people go through! As a result of my Mom's INDOCTRINATION, I did learn one thing, though. I learned how to be ABSOLUTELY vulnerable, instead of only RELATIVELY VULNERABLE. As a result, I would win, hands down, any ABSOLUTE VULNERABILITY EXPERIENCE CONTEST!

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